Whilst I sit here feeding the precious little girl that spent 9 months growing in my belly I can't help feeling that overwhelming love that every mother is meant to have but it wasn't always this way!
As soon as she was born my protective instincts kicked in but not the sense of heart bursting love and achievement like I had with Toby!
I know that sounds absolutely horrible but that's how I felt!
It all started at that tear jerking moment when I was told I had an infection that if passed onto the baby through a vaginal birth could cause defects and in worse case be fatal!
Which in turn meant they were booking me in for a c section the very next morning, I had 13 hours to prepare myself for the biggest surgery in my life!
I broke down and bawled my eyes out until there were no tears left!
Just over 18 months ago I had defied the odds and carried my son to 40 weeks and had a drug free natural birth when they said I had no chance and now my water birth drifted out the window!
Later that night around 10pm I started having contractions and knew that if my waters broke I was to go straight in for am emergency c section, luckily they didn't but I didn't get much sleep that night.
The alarm went off at 6am I lay in bed for a while I was exhausted from a long night of contractions and restless sleep, I didn't want to get up in a way it felt like that sealed my fate.
We got to the hospital at 7am, I was already shaking like a leaf (believe it or not I shook through the whole operation) I signed my paper work and unpacked my bags, I cried the whole time!
Before I knew it I was getting dressed into my gown and getting wheeled up the long corridors to theater, I can't even begin to explain what was going through my head, it was racing, I had so many thoughts of what it would be like and how I was going to handle the recovery. Whilst sitting in there getting my spinal block I was so frightened but I was extremely lucky I had a great team of people working on me and my ever supportive husband in his scrubs clinging onto my hand promising never to let it go (and he didn't)
Laying tilted on the operating table, I was numb, Physically and emotionally! They started to cut me open and I just lay there talking to Jarryd about anything that came to our mind, It was probably the longest conversation we had had my whole pregnancy it helped me relax while in the back of my mind I knew that I was having a massive operation and I was about to be a mum again.
At 9.12am on Saturday the 20th of July they pulled down the curtain that separated us from the doctors and pulled up my baby girl in to the world, as she let out her first cry so did Jarryd and I, we were so overwhelmed with everything that we had been through in the last 24 hours and it showed! The midwife took Grace away and cleaned her up it was the first time the whole time that Jarryd let go of my hand but I wanted him to make sure he got to cut the cord.
Grace was already on her way out so they had to use the forceps to pull her back up through my pelvis resulting in her whole cheek being bruised, I freaked out thinking it was a birth mark but when the doctor said it could be and we would have to wait to see if it went away I was a bit shocked.
I couldn't believe how much hair she had, I also asked if they were sure she was mine (yes I was the only pregnant lady in the room) she was so swollen and puffy so I was quite shocked when I first looked at her! I insisted Jarryd gave me his phone whilst they were stitching me up so I could take a photo of them together in his scrubs because I knew they were going to take Grace with me to recovery as soon as I was stitched up.
I still don't no how I managed to take this photo but I love it! In recovery she latched straight on to my breast and I thought to myself 'yay an easy feeder' (boy I was wrong) It has taken me a long time to bond with Grace, between hospital stays and operations, also her dramatic weight loss while I was trying my hardest to breastfeed I felt as though I couldn't do anything right. I had to work hard to push all the thoughts of failing at breastfeeding and the fact that I didn't get the birth that I had planned out of my mind (I still think about it a lot). Sometimes bonding doesn't come as naturally as we hope it does but that doesn't make up a bad Mum, it makes us human! I wouldn't change my family for anything in the world even if I do wish my experience had been different!
As a Mum we all know the hardest thing to do is ask for help when we are starting to feel slightly overwhelmed!
With my history with post natal depression I know from last time when I start to feel like that its time to stop trying to be supermum and start thinking about what myself and my babies need!
As explained in my last post I have just had a tough run after having my gallbladder out which left me waiting over 24 hours for a second operation, considering I was only 3 week post op from my C section, I didn't bounce back as quick as normal!
Tonight I decided that it was best for Grace to spend another night upstairs with my mum due to me not being able to get up easily or move around very well!
It makes me feel worse that I can't just come home from hospital and look after my children by myself but I know that it's important to ask for help other wise I will get worse and not better!
I'm better of getting healthy than trying to be a hero!
As some of you might know, during my pregnancy I found out I had gallstones.
Well after Grace was born my attacks became more and more frequent to the point where I had 11 attacks over a seven day period.
Yesterday I finally got to have an operation to have my gallbladder removed, never in my life did I think it would be so painful!
The operation went well but they were unable to remove a large stone from my bile duct so I am currently waiting to have another operation to have this stone removed!
I haven't had anything to eat or drink in 41 hours and I have been moved out of 4 different beds (might I add that is painful as hell), I have been transferred from a private hospital back to a public one because they have the facilities to do my next op.
I cried when Mum came to visit me with my two beautiful babies because I really didn't know how much I missed them until I finally got to see them and give them cuddles!
My gorgeous hubby brought me some flowers which was a shock because he has only ever got me flowers 3 times before this in the last 6 years!
I am so lucky that mum was able to take time off work to look after my wonderful little people while I'm stuck in a hospital bed! I'm so glad Grace is sleeping well and she only woke up at 1.30am and 5.30am so Mum was quite impressed!
I have come to the conclusion that having little sleep due to having a newborn is 100 times better than having hardly any sleep because of being a big fat whale.
While I was pregnant I felt so completely sleep deprived that I could hardly focus on what needed to be done during each day and then you add a toddler in the mix with that and it makes you feel completely out of control!
With a newborn you sleep when you can, you are awake but actually using energy that now that you aren't making a tiny human you body is storing for the times you need it the most!
Being a mum is all about conserving energy for times that you truly need if! Yes I feel exhausted but I also feel revitalized!
Enjoy the simple things in life and make you own happiness!
Just a quick update to welcome my beautiful baby girl into the world!
Born at 9.12am on Saturday the 20th of July via semi elective C Section!
I will fill in the details hopefully tomorrow but we have been home since Monday night and apart from being on a feeding plan due to her losing a little more weight than she should have we are going great guns!
We are absolutely in love with her and can't wait to watch her grow up!
Woohoo due date I'd finally here!! Sorry I'm still a week behind with my posts!
I struggled to keep up with my blog entries with my impending baby getting closer and closer!
On the 16th of July I asked to have a stretch and sweep done as it was my due date and I had been in early labour since the Friday before that! Talk about uncomfortable! I didn't really feel any pain but it was very unpleasant afterwards and I was so sure I would go into labour within the next 24 hours! I didn't!
On Thursday I had another gallbladder attack and ended up in hospital with the emergency department nurse trying to tell me I was in labour!!
I knew I wasn't!
That night ended in me going home extremely tired and frustrated!
I felt a lot of Braxton hicks this week sometimes they were really strong and could tell the were there others were just tightenings and just made me annoyed!
I have been trying so many things to bring her on but nothing is working!
With 2 weeks to go I have been flat out trying to get my house ready for a newborn! Hence why I have been so lazy and not done my update or any other posts!
I have got terrible insomnia and I am not sure if I would rather pregnancy insomnia or a newborn but I will find out what is worse soon enough. I have been having a lot of braxton hicks but nothing ever comes of them and I always get so excited then disappointed when it isn't the real thing.
I feel like I could be mistaken for a blimp or a whale this week and I just keep expanding!
I really love feeling her move inside my tummy and boy I am going to miss them so much!
I would much rather be sleep deprived from feeding a baby than from laying in bed contemplating weather or not I can roll myself over to go to the toilet without pulling a muscle, peeing myself before I get there or just getting puffed rolling over!
It is currently 4.15am and I am slowly starting to accept the fact that it is quite possible I may not fall back asleep at all before I need to get up!
I have a very wiggly bump (yes, that is a joy) but it is not helping me go back to sleep!
I've woken up 3 time so far to pee and I might need to go again soon!
I've woken up in a massive sweat (tenth time this week, so I've learnt to keep a towel handy for nights like this)!
I am going to be hell to deal with today because I haven't slept properly in about a month!
On a lighter note I can tell my body is slowly preparing for labour and that makes me feel better!
My insomnia I think is due to the fact that I am impatient and nervous about going into labour which is making me more restless than normal!
Luck I have an 18 month old who sleeps like a dream!!
With only 14 days until my due date, I am starting to go through a lot of mixed emotions! I forgot the feeling of complete and utter exhaustion and frustration in the last few weeks of being pregnant! I don't like to complain about it because I know a lot of people I hold close to me have had trouble falling pregnant so I try not to take this for granted!
I seriously feel like I cant possibly get any bigger or I might explode!
My doctor thought it was a good idea to remind me today that I only have 2 weeks and possibly 10 days to go!!! WHAT!!! You thought it was a good time to remind me about that fact today?!
My friends keep telling me how close I am getting and I feel the need to throttle them as horrible that is I just don't want to here that especially when some of them have no idea what the last few weeks of pregnancy is like!
There is the excitement of wanting to meet that little bundle. There is the nervousness of going through labour. There is the pure terror of having two children.
I swear I am slowly going insane! I am stuck between gallstones and a toddler testing his boundaries!! There is only so many times you can say NO and move him off to do something else before you want to run out of the house screaming and pulling your hair out! Then there are the gallstones, I have seriously never had so much pain in my body in my life, they make labour seem like a walk in the park! My worst nightmare is going into labour and having a gallbladder attack at the same time.
This week I have had braxton hicks every single day, nothing is coming of it which is disappointing but I will get there soon enough I am sure. I have also started to waddle this week if I am not taking notice of what I am doing, it makes Jarryd and I have a good laugh because as soon as I get pulled up on it I am like "oh no, I better walk properly" 5 minutes later I swear I am waddling again!
After my gallbladder attack yesterday lasted almost 3 hours the doctor told me to talk to my midwives about being induced, I have thought about it all day today and after being induced with my Son I really wanted to go naturally this time because I kind of felt like I missed out last time. I no the attacks are putting a lot of pressure on my body but it is something that I want to experience just this once as I know I am not going back for anymore after this one.
I am so proud of my big bump and the fact that I have no belly button!
I also finished my maternity shoot this week we only have one more shoot to go after Miss Grace is born to finish off my timeline photo's and then I will be able to share them with you.
Since becoming a mum I sometimes struggle to find things to do for myself that don't involve anyone else but myself, I used to enjoy curling up on the couch with a good book when I was tired but now I feel pressure to keep active and keep the toddler entertained during the day.
I love to go to the hair or beauty salon to be pampered but those days come few and far between because trying to organise it between Jarryd or mum to look after Toby is always hard.
I also love to model in my spare time, I love the feeling of getting dressed up and having my hair and make up done, then either doing the photoshoot or catwalk, it always makes me nervous but it gives such and amazing rush at the sometime.
My all time favorite thing to do is working with my horses! It is always something that makes me feel better when I am stressed (or it can make me stress out more) I am very head strong so Mum and Jarryd have had a lot of trouble keeping my out of the horse paddock and they both get grumpy with me when I do to much.
Finding the time to do these things can be hard and it makes it worse because I don't like asking for help but when I do I really enjoy getting out and taking the time to do the things I love.
Doing weekly posts started off as an outlet to share my pregnancy with people who actually wanted to read about it not just sharing with my friends and family that are only worried about the end outcome! I didn't expect to be sharing with such a huge following. Thank you!
Only 4 weeks until Grace is due!
This week I have felt completely exhausted again! I can hardly bring myself to do a lot of things and I feel horrible! I have also been pushing myself too much and then can barely walk the next day.
I still don't know if I am completely ready to be a mum of two but it's a little late to be worried about that now, It is probably just the self doubt that my PND causes me but like last time I will fight my demons head on.
I also treated myself to some pampering this week and took myself to the hairdresser for a cut and colour, It was amazing and I felt so relax afterwards.
Tomorrow I have the last pregnancy photoshoot for my timeline, Toby and Jarryd are included with this one too so I am excited to get some family shots done!
I have started taking raspberry leaf tablets to start getting my girlie parts ready for birth, I didn't take them last time but it will be interesting to see if it makes any difference with this birth. I am also hoping I don't have to be induced this time, I would really like to no what it feels like to go into labour and have my waters break at a stupid time but I guess we will see what happens.
Next week I should find out what position Grace is in and how much she approximately weighs, I am so excited to know all that.
Please be head down!!
I think that is all I have to report on this week.
God, it feels so good to be able to vent somewhere other than Facebook right now!
I feel sorry for all my social media friends that have had to read my baby comments for the last 30 weeks but that just seems like an easier way to talked to everyone instead of sending them all text messages!
I don't think I could even manage to sit down and have a conversation on the phone right now either!
I have unfortunately gotten to that stage in my pregnancy where everything is starting to become a real effort, I get puffed easily, my joint are sore, my muscles are aching, hell even my back fat hurts!!
Walking up a small hill makes me feel like I have run 20km and don't even get me started on trying to scale some stairs!
I think mums that are on their 2nd or more pregnancy deserve a medal!! (Don't worry first time mummas, your doing an amazing job too)
I find myself frazzled by the end of the day and in the last weeks had to decide between staying awake the whole day with a crazy 17 month old or going my housework and not lasting the whole day!
The housework hasn't even gotten a look in this week!
It doesn't help that I have to lose my temper with Jarryd just to get him to help and he has decided that going to the gym 4 times a week is completely fine even with a waddling wife!
I have truly been pushing myself way too hard to get out and about as well as trying to keep myself active when all I want to do is sleep until I am due!
I have been having coffee dates, working with the horses including my young horse, setting up my business, unfortunately it has all finally caught up with me!
As fast as this time seems to have gone it is also starting to drag like hell!
I offered Jarryd to have my huge belly for the next 4 week, he quickly said NO!
It feels like these last 10 weeks is dragging so bad. I am so bored not working that I decided it was finally time to get my home Lace and Trims business off the ground! I know that sounds kind of crazy being the fact that I am about to have my hands full with baby number 2 but I just feel like at this point in my life if I don't do it now I may never get another chance.
Bumpette seems to be sitting really low now compared to a few weeks ago but that's ok because each day that goes by she is getting bigger and stronger.
This week I have been really flat and tired! I am struggling to get out of bed and even refused to cook tea on Thursday night which is not like me at all! Instead I lay in bed and read the rest of my trashy Silvia Day Novel 'Entwined with you' I had waited so long for that book to be released and now I have to wait god only knows how long for her to write another one.
I seen my midwives on Wednesday and apparently I have very low iron levels again which means I could be in for an iron infusion in the next week! I hate having them but I will admit they make you feel great afterwards!
As you would probably believe I still haven't packed my labour bag, I still keep putting it off like it isn't an important thing to have done, I have however packed the baby bag so that is something less that I have to stress about.
On Tuesday I said goodbye to one of our beautiful horses Ty, He is off to Queensland to a wonderful new family but that didn't make it any easier to let him go!
Hopefully these next weeks don't drag on too much as I am so excited to meet little bumpette!
I am a very laid back person but I refuse to walk on egg shells around people or bite my tongue while someone feels the need to have a dig at me!
I am a typical 22yo Mum, I like to share what is going on with my life and children with my friends and family on facebook and they are always commenting on my posts and laughing with me about crazy things my Son and Husband have done! Some people are not so supportive and take it upon themselves to have a dig at you about how you choose to raise your children!
It actually upsets me when other mothers decide to bring down a fellow parent! My son is 17 months old I still give him a bottle to drink his milk from, He still has a dummy and a blanket, He sometimes stay's in his PJ's all day and I haven't even thought about toilet training him yet!
He is my son and I will bring him up the way that I believe is best for us!
People should really learn to keep their opinions to themselves!
7 weeks to go and me being me, I am still not prepared in the slightest!
As I sit here and type I am still thinking about packing my labour bags, Yes, I was packing that weeks ago but I have been putting it off all this time because that will be the one thing that makes this all very real.
Today I am sitting here thinking about the fact that next month I will be Mum of Two under Two and that idea seriously is starting to scare the hell out of me!
This week Toby to share his Hand, Foot and Mouth virus that he picked up at day care, Unfortunately I caught it worse that what he did!
I have blisters on my hands, feet and on my tongue! I can't wait for it to clear up because these blisters are sore.
Yesterday I spent the day in hospital with problems with my gallbladder again, It wasn't a bad attack but it was bad enough and I even had to have heart monitors on myself.
I did however get to go down to the pregnancy assessment clinic for a CTG to monitor her and found out she is sitting in an odd position so I just hope she moves head down and not in to breech in the last weeks!
This is a comparison picture from both my pregnancies at the same time.
Left is 33 weeks with Toby and right is this pregnancy.
I am starting to get bigger than I was with Tobes and I am starting to worry about what size my daughter is going to be!
Today Jarryd is going to make me pack my labour bags as he knows that if it is left to him, he will forget something!